Vajazzle

In case you’re not familiar with the term, enter the Oxford English Dictionary:

(usually as noun vajazzling) • informal

Adorn the pubic area (of a woman) with crystals, glitter, or other decoration

This comes, if you excuse the pun, complete with an example sentence to ensure you use the word correctly in polite conversation.

I’m afraid I’d never heard the term, or its significant other. I should probably get out more.

An English tabloid alerted me to pejazzle, the penile brother of bejazzle—from what I can read, Swarowski is heavily featured.

A quick scan on Google produced images of the most bizarre variety, including a protuberance fully decked in blue sparklers.

Now, I have great respect both for civil liberties and sexual organs, and that includes any decorative aspects of the latter, but I really think there are times in life when less is more. The notion of being confronted by a fanny bedecked in costume jewelry, twinkling happily at me like some astroerotic fantasy, is perplexing to say the least.

Nevertheless, it’s obviously a popular pastime, and it’ll be difficult for a few weeks to walk by a young lady without considering whether her vagina is designed by Versace.

At least for ladies the decor is like a cottage garden, all adornment is strictly outside the house. Not so for men, where a good deal of the construction work seems to take place on the edifice.

Having seen a couple of pics (the things I go through to write this), I can’t help thinking the world has gone a little nuts. Once again, excuse the pun, and heed my warning if you click. I won’t adorn this text with a fake tanzanite dong, but I think by having a quick look you get a better grip on the situation.

In the UK, the fad started on a TV show called ‘the only way is Essex.’ Some years ago, Essex girls were the butt of the worst jokes England had to offer, invariably making the girls out to be easy, stupid, and dirty.

Stupidity is always in plentiful supply, as demonstrated by ‘Rob’, who posted a message on Yahoo Answers with the question:

My daughter is 8 and wants a vajazle any advice? she’s a big fan of the only way is Essex on ITV. my wife says its ok we should do it but i think she’s too young and shouldn’t get one until she’s at least 12.

Compared to his wife, Rob is clearly borderline genius—of course the post may well be  hoax.

But there is plenty on the web about vajazzling barbie dolls, and here I’m beginning to think mega-wierd, or downright perverted—but little girls imitate their mothers, as well as each other. C’mon people, there is no intersection point between childhood and this shit.

California and New York are apparently also big on genital jewelry, which strengthens my belief that stupidity is contagious.

Throughout history, both sexes have dedicated substantial effort and imagination to adorn their private parts, but this is mainly seen in primitive tribes in the warmer areas of the world.

By and large it’s the male that uses a sheath or covering of  some description, such as the Koteka worn in parts of Papua New Guinea.

It looks extremely uncomfortable, and would be irreconcilable with Western tailoring or subway doors at rush hour, but it serves a display purpose common to many species.

The male typically gets the female by aggression, posturing, or both. In the animal kingdom, it’s unusual that the female needs to compete for a mate. More commonly, she makes her availability obvious by chemical or visual means.

In the farming world, sow’s ears stand on end, and cows mount each other, presumably to get the message across to more absent-minded males.

When competing males realize there are goodies to be had, they usually have to triumph at something in order to get to second base—become the dominant gorilla, or the peacock with the most impressive plumage.

Are ya lookin'? The male peacock eyespots, designed to attract the cruisin' female.

Are ya lookin’?
The male peacock eyespots, designed to p-dazzle the cruisin’ female.

In Darwin’s story of sexual selection, the female has one overriding ambition—good genes, so eloquently expressed by Lynette Pomeroy in An Officer and a Gentleman:

I’m sorry, Sid, but I don’t wanna marry you. I really like you. We’ve had ourselves some really great times, but I thought you understood. I want to marry a pilot. I want to live my life overseas. The wife of an aviator…[bitterly] Damn you! Goddamn you! Nobody DOR’s after 11 weeks! NOBODY!

The whole notion of display behavior—usually not a direct advertisement of the goods, but some sort of proxy like the chest-thumping gorilla, is aimed at conquest.

Tales from Victorian times, some of which made it into Hollywood B,  included well-endowed, savage gorillas raping helpless pale beauties in the wilds of Africa.

Dick length, a highly variable parameter in the animal kingdom.

Dick length, a highly variable parameter in the animal kingdom.

Unfortunately, the erect gorilla penis comes in at two inches, a rather paltry comparison to the 5.6″ recently reported by the Huffington Post for the average American man. Out of all the fellows in the chart, the most surprising is the blue-bill, who keeps a twenty-inch prodigy hidden up his cloaca—a mighty duck indeed!

Having said that, a glimpse at what the Tapir has to offer is nothing short of remarkable—a carload of Tapirs would certainly struggle in the subway crush.

The metrosexual pejazzle certainly fades by comparison. And anyhow, guys:

“Mine’s got sparklers on it?”

What kind of lame pickup line is that? Worse than Mark Wendale in Atmos Fear.

In my recent foray East, I realized most Arabs can’t say their ‘p’, so for example, for example becomes for examble. Back in the day, bejazzle had no sexual connotation, but with this ‘p’ and ‘b’ issue, who knows what the future might pring.

Atmos Fear and The India Road. Quick links for smartphones.

Atmos Fear and The India Road. Quick links for smartphones.

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